News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
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