Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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