when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
