you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
