It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
should my penis look like a turkey
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize