So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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