i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
