Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
ok first of all what the fuck
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
