I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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