I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
