i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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