The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
