You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
