this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
