I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
