he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize