WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Randomize
