I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize