Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize