I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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