I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
