My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
