Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
