Don't make out with my wife yet
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Randomize
