I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
