Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Is her dick bigger than yours?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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