Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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