You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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