Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
