I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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