I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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