They should really pass out barf bags in church
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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