I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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