Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
i believe in u and ur pee
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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