At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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