Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
