u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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