she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize