I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
