It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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