I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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