Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You ruined the universe
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
