Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
