dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
