He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
