im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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