At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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