i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
