I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
