I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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