he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize