I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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