I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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