Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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