Dude my mom stole all your condoms
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
