ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
