census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
