The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
there was a trapeze. enough said
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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