I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
