You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
