Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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