it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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