nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
