me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
