i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
