If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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