I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
