I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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